Good Coupling: Who are your couple role models?

This little girl is taking in all sorts of information about what partnership looks like from her parents. Including vital information about wearing jean shorts. Credit: freestocks.org

​When a new couple or a new individual client begins work with me, we always take time to explore "family of origin" - the family each individual grew up with.  We are working together as detectives to understand each person's "history of relationship."  

Many of us chug along through life without thoroughly examining our history of relationship.  We assume that we are born knowing how relationships work, and we can figure it out via instinct, emotion, and attraction.  Instinct, emotion, and attraction are all very persuasive, too!  They feel BIG, they feel MEANINGFUL, they feel REAL.  Oh, and they feel EXCITING, too!  Of course they can get us into trouble if we don't (lovingly) question them.  So let's go!

Your "history of relationship" is made up of many elements:

• Early caregiver relationships (attachment figures)
• How you experienced your parents or main caregivers "doing" relationship in the home
• Any traumatic events or losses around relationship - particularly before age 10
• The nature of any other major, consistent adult relationships in your life growing up.  

For the purpose of the "practice of the week," we're going to focus on how you experienced your parents or caregivers "doing" relationship in the home.  This is of crucial significance because as social creatures, we learn how to do relationship by observing those closest to us. 

This entails a lot more than a general "my childhood was great, I played outside, I was a happy kid, my parents were great."  That's nice to hear but it's my job as a therapist to be curious if you're now walking into my office with relationship struggles.  Enter the "lovingly question" approach.  We're not trying to come up with all the ways you are broken, that feels horrible and just is not true.  We're looking for clues as to what areas you learned productive relationship habits and in what areas you could use some coaching.  This is about being humble, open, and gentle.

Practice of the Week:
Consider the following questions.  Let them tumble around in your mind for a week.  Journal on them.  If you can / want to, talk to your parents or the folks that raised you.  Talk to siblings if you have them.  Look at old family photos.  Let things cook inside you and see what comes up - some may be familiar territory - allow room for new insights to arise.

• Love and connection - for when / if two parents, a parent and a step parent, consistent boyfriend/girlfriend, or other primary caregivers were in your home
  • When you were a child, how did you perceive your parent's or caregiver's relationship?  Did you think they were in love?  Were they ever affectionate with each other?  Romantic?  What specific examples can you remember of the absence or presence of any of these things?
  • Did they seem to know each other well?  Or was there distance?  Again, what examples can you remember?  
  • Did they seem to understand each other's needs - in terms of personality styles, likes / dislikes, styles of relating?  How did they respond to each other's needs - with skill and respect, or with frustration or disrespect?
  • Did you see them take time together?  Did they seem to enjoy each other?  How much time did they spend together?
  • What did your parents or caregivers seem to prioritize?  Work, parenting, their relationship, money, hobbies...?  Did they seem in agreement about these priorities?
• Conflict
  • ​Did your parents or caregivers ever fight in front of you when you were a child?  What was it like?  Were you frightened, or did conflict take place in a way that felt relatively safe?  
  • How long did conflicts last?  Were they repaired quickly and fairly or did they go on for a long time?  Was there manipulation, stonewalling, threats, in either explicit or implicit ways?
  • Did you see your parents ever apologize to one another? 
  • Was there a pattern of one parent "winning" or one being "right" and the other "wrong?"  Did one parent seem more powerful than the other, or did they have a shared sense of power together?
• Separation and Divorce
  • ​If there was a separation or divorce in your family, how did you perceive it happening for your parents?  Was there infidelity?  Did either parent talk negatively about the other one to you?  How was the separation or divorce communicated to you?  How did each parent seem to handle it?  How were new partners integrated into your family - was it talked about with you?  
• Then and Now
  • ​How has your parents' or caregiver's relationship evolved over time?  Have you seen them develop new skills together?  Have they grown closer or farther apart with time?  

That's a lot to reflect on for a week - these are the sorts of questions that sometimes unfold over years as we begin to gnaw on them and stories and memories emerge.  As you begin to put together your own "history of relationship" via observing the people who raised you, give some thought to the impact these experiences had on you, and your own skills in relationship.  Where do you really thrive in relationship?  Where do you chronically get stuck?  

Often these "stuck points" have their origins in what we did or did not learn as a kid.  Never saw your parents apologize to each other?  Conflict meant two adults giving each other the silent treatment for 3 days and a feeling of walking on eggshells?  It wouldn't then be a surprise if you struggle in conflict in your intimate relationships - you never learned how to do it well!  (Don't worry, join the club, it's a big one).

I like this questioning process because, once again, it gets us curious and humble.  Of course we don't know what we don't know!  The magic lies in the learning.  And that's one of the big points of therapy.  Turns out there is a whole lot that you can choose to do differently (like learn to argue in a way that does not stir up threat and fear).  

Ready to learn how to do things differently, or want to be furious or devastated about the way it was?  There's space for you here.  You can reach me at [email protected] or 720.738.3530.